I believe no matter how effed up one’s past/ childhood might’ve been everyone deserves to be loved. And when it comes to people who struggle with borderline personality disorder (BPD) they deserve love the most, as they struggled to get the right kind of love all their lives.
And it is difficult at times to love someone with BPD, due to their traumatic past. Which is why I have dedicated this post to all individuals whose partners/loved ones struggle with BPD.
Let’s first understand what is BPD.
Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others.
People with BPD are at a higher risk of suicide, where research shows that 75% of individuals who struggle with BPD will at least make one suicide attempt and 10% actually complete the act.
So it is definitely not an illness that can be taken lightly and needs a lot of attention and care. Especially if your loved one is going through this- you need to be patient, empathetic, and understanding.
Here are a few ways you could do that:
Understand Their Triggers:
People who have Borderline have gone through a lot of trauma, be it sexual assault, abuse by their parents, abandonment etc. Each will have their own pain to heal from. And each person has their own different triggers.
Some common triggers for someone who struggles with BPD are:
- Perceived or real abandonment.
- Rejection of any kind.
- Reminders of traumatic events.
- Being ignored or not given importance etc
When your partner gets triggered understand that they need Reassurance. A lot of times because of what they have been through they get triggered thinking you might do the same to them and due to this they lash out, spiral, and their emotions are out of control.
All they need is love and a reminder that you won’t do the same to them. It’s just that.
Learn About Their Past:
Trying to learn about someone is a love language on its own, a lot of people who have gone through abuse and trauma have this huge weight in their chest and have a strong need to take it out and vent. Which is why it means a lot to us when someone (especially our partner) tries to learn about what we went through and understand where our pain comes from.
It also helps to understand why they behave a certain way.
Be Their Support:
Borderline personality disorder is also called a mood disorder, people with BPD have a tough time regulating their emotions, and due to that they do impulsive and risky activities like harming themselves, substance abuse, etc.
During these times, even though you can’t alleviate our pain, you can be our support when we want to open up and vent out, you can support your partner by reassuring them, understanding them, and loving them.
BPD can be cured with the right treatment and support. If your partner has BPD it’s important to support them when they are at their lowest.
Ignoring their feelings and brushing them off will only trigger them more and can cause them to SPLIT.
What is Splitting?
As the word describes, splitting is to divide. People who struggle with BPD have a black and white thinking which becomes sometimes really difficult to manage. When someone splits they either see you as all good or all bad depending on the situation.
This is a defense mechanism our minds create. If your partner is splitting give them space and reassure them. A lot of times their thoughts overtake their emotions, it’s important to be there with them when they are going through this time.
A lot of people who struggle with BPD have lost a lot of relationships due to splitting. It’s important to be aware when this happens and how to manage it.
Love them:
Compliment them, put in consistent efforts, surprise them with something they love, etc. A lot of my symptoms of BPD went down because I was loved and treated right. And when we are exposed to that kind of love- It heals us.
Encourage them to take therapy:
Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and other kinds of therapy have helped cure a lot of BPD folks. Therapy helps us unlearn our negative patterns, destructive behaviors, etc. It helps us change our brain chemistry.
As someone struggling with BPD, I rather have a partner who supports me and loves me during my struggle or I rather not have one at all. During our healing period- the right partner can either help us heal or if the partner is wrong it can destroy us.
If you struggle with BPD, please be careful of who you choose to date/ to love and to be your partner. Your mental health can make or break you, choose it as a priority over everything and everyone else.
