Ever wonder “why I always attract toxic people and shitty individuals?” Sometimes you feel like you’re a magnet for these individuals and somehow always find yourself trapped with them. Either friendships or relationships.
You’re not alone in this and even I have struggled with understanding the ‘why’ to this pattern and I have finally understood the reason.
Psycological reason behind why do we attract toxic people?
Psychology is amazing as we understand the meaning and reasoning behind our behaviors. We get to understand why we self-sabotage by allowing bad things to happen and repeat in our lives. And one of our self-sabotaging behaviors is allowing toxic people into our lives.
Did you read the last line? I mentioned we allow toxic people into our lives.
The saying “We accept the love we think we deserve” is very apt especially when it comes to such situations and the people we allow in our lives. And it is not uncommon for us to find ourselves with people who are not right for us. It is because we accept these people and are okay with them, even if it comes at the cost of our mental sanity and our needs.
Trauma:
Trauma is one of the major causes of why we allow/attract toxic people into our lives. Especially if your parent/caregiver was abusive or narcissistic. We tend to go for partners who are replicas or resemble our abusers.
And the worst part is, a lot of us aren’t even aware that we are subconsciously attracting such individuals. The reason we do it is because it is FAMILIAR. If you come from a dysfunctional household and have seen constant fights/ abuse you will likely repeat this pattern unknowingly because you are so used to it.
Healthy individuals see red flags as red flags but if you come from a household that was a red flag in itself, chances are that you will allow red flags as they remind you of your home.
This may sound harsh but it is the truth as I have gone through the same, from partners, friends, work environment, etc I attracted only unhealthy people and environments.
You will only come out of this toxic pattern when you realize that you deserve better. You deserve a GREEN flag and a healthy environment.
To be honest, when I got into my first healthy relationship, my boyfriend was such a green flag that I realized I was a red flag. And for our relationship to continue in a healthy manner I had to unlearn the toxic things I was taught as a child. This is why therapy and self-awareness really helped me and I also love to observe the way my boyfriend reacts to situations, like did you just say sorry and own up to your wrong-doings instead of blaming/gaslighting it on me and making me feel like the villain??? I have never met a green flag more greener than him haha
Earlier I would run away from such people, I would think that they were way too sweet and weird or probably had other evil intentions but honestly, these people should always be around you so that you learn from them. But to allow such people into your lives you need to first understand yourself and remind yourself that YOU DESERVE BETTER and not incels and assholes like Kyle (no offense Kyle).
People Pleasing:
People pleasers don’t want any conflict and want to ensure that everyone remains happy and everyone likes them. But people-pleasers are also the ones who end up crying in the corner for constantly being mistreated but they can’t say anything as they don’t want people to hate them.
Hi, I’m a people pleaser. And honestly being one sucks, I would rather escape a messy situation by ghosting instead of confronting or standing up for myself. But it’s so wrong. The person that has wronged you, should know that they have hurt you.
It’s a long road to recovery from being a people pleaser, but just ask yourself: do these people really give a shit about you? Do they matter?
If they gave a shit about you a.) They won’t treat you like shit b.) they will apologize and not repeat it.
And if these people matter they will change their behavior to keep you in their lives and if they don’t give a F, cut them off. They don’t matter 🙂
Self Respect/self-worth:
When we struggle with self-worth/self-esteem we are more vulnerable to allowing people that are toxic and bad for us as we haven’t established the benchmark on who we deserve. This is why narcissists feed off such people as they know that we won’t be able to know any better and allow such mistreatment.
This also is very connected to how we were treated in the past and during our childhood. And the only way to move past this is to heal and learn ourselves better to avoid such situations.
I wanna be a savior:
A lot of us have that ‘savior mentality’ where we see someone who is toxic/ has a lot of trauma, we want to be the ones who ‘change their lives’. And this is just a recipe for disaster. Because then you just allow them to treat you badly and attract toxic individuals.
Let me tell you- unless you are getting paid to ‘fix’ someone (like a therapist or psychiatrist), don’t indulge. People who are toxic and negative need proper psychological help and if you have no idea about it, it will just lead to more trouble.
Even though I am in a relationship I take regular therapy as there are a lot of things that I don’t understand about myself and my past, and it is something my boyfriend can’t help me with.
And even though I meet a lot of people who are ‘going through a lot’ I try not to entertain their mistreatment and instead, create a boundary for myself and give them the contact of my therapist 🙂
How to deal with toxic people:
The answer to how to deal with toxic people is pretty simple.
Create a boundary:
If someone is abusing or mistreating you. Make it clear that you don’t accept such kind of treatment. And if they are apologizing and taking ownership of their actions then that’s well and good. But if they don’t, then…
Cut them off:
If these people still continue with their behavior, despite not honoring your boundaries or communication then such people shouldn’t be in your life. Get rid of them and wish them healing.
It’s difficult to accept the right and healthy people in your life especially if you aren’t used to them. But the only way to avoid toxic people and not attract toxic people is by taking some time off and understanding yourself and introspecting on your patterns. Why do you accept negative people? How can you unlearn this behavior? Understand the root cause and take action.
