Self-esteem is something that is being constantly crushed in this world where unrealistic beauty standards are the new norm, and where constant comparison is a habit.
We try so hard to look like someone else, be like someone else, or live like someone else that our authenticity slowly strips away from us as we constantly compare ourselves to people we don’t know anything about!
When we look into the mirror we don’t like what’s in front of us, we see 100 things we want to change about ourselves.
This perception about ourselves can be caused by multiple factors, family trauma, bullying, peer pressure, entertainment and media etc.
But the question lies in what do we do to undo that perception/ view about ourselves? Is it even possible to build self-esteem?
Can we really completely accept and love ourselves for who we are?
Well, yes! You can build your self-esteem no matter how low it is and you can reach a point where you would love every fu*ing part of yourself (pardon my French). It might take years to get there but the journey is worthwhile. And there would be a day when you would’ve built your self-esteem so high that nobody’s opinion of you would matter, you would be an unstoppable force.
“I had to grow to love my body. I did not have a good self-image at first. Finally it occurred to me, I’m either going to love me or hate me. And I chose to love myself. Then everything kind of sprung from there. Things that I thought weren’t attractive became sexy. Confidence makes you sexy.”
Queen Latifah
1. Acceptance
How will you expect others to love you if you don’t start with yourself? Accepting your flaws your, features, and insecurities will help you love yourself for who you are. A major aspect to improve your self-esteem is acceptance.
I used to be really insecure about my nose, and after years of comparing myself with people with a ‘perfect’ nose, I realized it’s futile to complain about something I was born with. I accepted the way my nose looked. It gave me the identity no one had. It made Naomi, Naomi!
You always have 2 options, to either change the outcome or accept it.
You can change the outcome if you have control over it (like having better academic qualifications, doing better at your job, being a better parent etc).
In fact, you feel much better once you MAKE that change. For example, you have really bad self-esteem when it comes to public speaking but you change that by working hard and practising in front of the mirror, till one day you overcome it. How freking amazing that must feel!
If you have no control over the outcome (events in your past, the behaviour of someone, the way you look (unless you can afford cosmetic surgery) etc) then you have to make peace with it, and it’s redeeming to make peace with things you can’t do much about. There is freedom.
2. Identify the root cause
As I mentioned most of our issues with self-esteem stem from our childhood/experiences from our past it’s important to identify the experience which still affects us in our adulthood in order to heal.
For example, as I mentioned I was really insecure about the shape of my nose, which really affected my self-esteem in my appearance. This was due to my dad, as he always tried to make my nose ‘sharper’ by squeezing it. I grew up to be really conscious and insecure.
In order to heal I had to unlearn what was told to me and really accept the way I was! It was difficult and took years but, now I’m in a much better place when it comes to my appearance! I love how each of my features is so unique and makes me stand apart from others!
If you are facing something similar you must remind yourself and reassure yourself with some mantras and affirmations to kill those negative thoughts.
Our subconscious mind is powerful and at times small sentences which hurt us can be embedded in our subconscious mind which can turn into our reality and become our truths, which makes me come to the 3rd point….
3. Repeat Positive Affirmations/ Mantras
The words you feed your mind become your truth, if you believe ‘I am bad at XYZ I can never get better’, ‘I’m so ugly’, ‘I’m not smart’ etc then you are!
Even the media, people you are with, and what you read or listen to have a huge impact on your self-esteem. It’s always important to choose the right people, the right surroundings or the media. I know for a fact as I used to hang out with arrogant and condescending friends. It caused me to have really bad self-worth and self-esteem.
Once I cut them off, BOOM, things changed for the better.
Contradict your negative affirmations with positive ones. If you get thoughts like “You’re horrible at math, you will never pass”
Contradict it with positive affirmations like ” I might not be good at math presently but I will work my way towards being the best at this subject”
Even if you don’t believe it, constantly repeat it like a mantra and your words will become your truth. Your subconscious mind is more powerful than you think 🙂
4. Build good habits/ Social circle
The best part about cutting my toxic friends is that now I have people who only want the better for me, who challenge me. I’ve grown a lot because of them and that has improved my self-esteem tremendously!
Always surround yourself with people who want the best for you and who uplift you, you deserve that.
Building good habits like going to the gym consistently, ready 30 pages on a minimum, wearing clothes you feel your best in or journalling etc does wonders to the way you feel about yourself!
I’m sure you feel shitty if you don’t do anything all day, but notice how amazing you feel if you worked out or did something that made you happy!
So do more of those things that make you happy, take up habits that gets you out of your comfort zone and improves your capabilities. You’ll see your self-esteem improve automatically.
5. Be compassionate with yourself
At times we get really hard on ourselves with things which we can’t control, for example, due to my hip dips I had really bad self-esteem with the way my hips would look.
“You look like a door” “No one has such bad hip dips as yours” were the words I would say to myself. Such negative remarks made no change and made me feel even more miserable!
I changed from those negative remarks to positive ones like “I was born with these hip dips and they protect me and keep my body safe”. And there was a major shift I noticed. Don’t be so hard on yourself, especially when it’s something you can’t change. You deserve compassion and love. And you deserve to give that to yourself.
Feeding yourself with such negative words will only make your self-esteem worse.
I know having issues with your self-esteem sucks. It’s an ongoing battle, but it teaches you a lot about yourself, and what to improve on.
Our insecurities and issues we have with ourselves are indicators of what we have to work on.
And a lot of times we get so busy trying to improve our self-esteem by doing things that we are not by being someone else that we often lose ourselves. But that can be such a major signal to reflect, introspect and accept who we are. Or change what our soul wants us to fix.
I’m more in love with myself than I’ve ever been and even though my self-esteem is on a constant roller coaster thanks to social media or seeing successful people that intimidate me. I’ve learnt to accept and love myself even more.
We live on a floating rock for a limited time, the last thing you want to do is hurt yourself with unrealistic expectations from a fickle-minded society!
Love who you are and be grateful for everything you have been gifted with, the world is too busy with itself.
Be the best version of yourself and see the way your perspective towards yourself changes!
